This made it all the worse when the doctor came to deliver the news. She entered the room and said that the results of my bone marrow biopsy had come back. She asked if I was alright with my mom and girlfriend being in the room. I didn't see any reason why they should leave; I wanted them to know anything that she had to say anyways. She asked me to sit, and said, " Your bone marrow biopsy indicated that you have Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia..." Her voice trailed off, it became a muffled mess of meaningless sound.That word "leukaemia" had taken me out of reality, and placed me in a distant fog. A soup of thoughts sloshed around in my head; chief among them "Did she really just tell me I have cancer?". It didn't seem real, I honestly questioned if I was really awake or not.
When I finally gained clarity again the doctor had left. My mom and girlfriend were hugging me, crying; tears were flowing down my face as well. I had no recollection of what the doctor had said after that first sentence. All my senses were numbed, it was if I had taken a solid blow to the head. Thinking about it now, I actually find it kind of fascinating. All it takes is a few simple words to have such a profound effect on someone; not even a few words really, just one... One little word can flip your world on its head.
Once the initial shock had worn off a little (with the help of some Ativan), I learned that I would be starting treatment in a couple days. The thought of having to go through chemotherapy scared me nearly as much as learning I had cancer. Even if you haven't witnessed someone have to do treatments first hand, I think it's pretty well universally known that the methods of treating cancer do some pretty nasty things to the body.
Despite the torrent of emotions that were now gripping me, I never let my fears show much after receiving my diagnosis. It wasn't because of ego, or pride; sharing how I feel is just something I've never excelled at. The thought of burdening others has always made me extremely uncomfortable, and over the next few years I felt that way a lot.
Now I realize that it was silly to ever feel that way. It's one thing to not want to bother someone, it's completely another to put yourself through mental or physical pain because of it. When you're going through something as tough as fighting cancer, you have enough to deal with already. You're feeling shitty on a daily basis as it is, bottling everything you're feeling up inside is putting yourself through one more thing that you don't need in your life. The same goes for anyone that's struggling with the mental aspects of their life. Even if you don't feel comfortable talking with a friend or family member about it, there are people out there who's job it is to help you. Don't ever feel like you have to suffer alone.
When I finally gained clarity again the doctor had left. My mom and girlfriend were hugging me, crying; tears were flowing down my face as well. I had no recollection of what the doctor had said after that first sentence. All my senses were numbed, it was if I had taken a solid blow to the head. Thinking about it now, I actually find it kind of fascinating. All it takes is a few simple words to have such a profound effect on someone; not even a few words really, just one... One little word can flip your world on its head.
Once the initial shock had worn off a little (with the help of some Ativan), I learned that I would be starting treatment in a couple days. The thought of having to go through chemotherapy scared me nearly as much as learning I had cancer. Even if you haven't witnessed someone have to do treatments first hand, I think it's pretty well universally known that the methods of treating cancer do some pretty nasty things to the body.
Despite the torrent of emotions that were now gripping me, I never let my fears show much after receiving my diagnosis. It wasn't because of ego, or pride; sharing how I feel is just something I've never excelled at. The thought of burdening others has always made me extremely uncomfortable, and over the next few years I felt that way a lot.
Now I realize that it was silly to ever feel that way. It's one thing to not want to bother someone, it's completely another to put yourself through mental or physical pain because of it. When you're going through something as tough as fighting cancer, you have enough to deal with already. You're feeling shitty on a daily basis as it is, bottling everything you're feeling up inside is putting yourself through one more thing that you don't need in your life. The same goes for anyone that's struggling with the mental aspects of their life. Even if you don't feel comfortable talking with a friend or family member about it, there are people out there who's job it is to help you. Don't ever feel like you have to suffer alone.
Thanks for reading, don't be afraid to let me know how you feel!
Jordan.
Jordan, your articles are not only extremely well written but also very interesting and informative. I look forward to your nexti nsight, Regards, Ron
ReplyDeleteVery interesting and looking forward to reading your blog..Also wishing you good health and happiness..
ReplyDeleteI would be lying if I said no tears flowed reading this. Even though I was many miles away from you, I feel like I was right there. The moment Mom called me and told me the news. I remember that fog you were talking about. My knees gave out and I left work like a zombie. So proud of you for writing this. I find I need courage to read it lol I can't imagine the strength it takes to write this from your perspective.
ReplyDelete