Uncertainty, the name of the game...

    It's funny. Time goes along at its constant pace, never changing. While the way we experience it depends on our circumstance at that given point. When things are good, years can fly by before we know it; When they're not, minutes can seem like hours. My time in the Health Science Emergency mimicked the latter.

    Sleep would have killed the monotony of my wait. However the nature of the emergency room would not allow it. With the hospital staff bustling back and forth, the medical equipment making "beeps" and "whirrs", and the big noise contributors were of course, the patients (people tend to be noisy when in discomfort). Although, even if it had been quite I doubt I would have slept. Faced with the unknown, my mind was racing and time seemed  to stand still.     
    
    Around 4am they came and told me that I would be admitted to hospital. It was close to six when my bed on the Medicine Unit was ready. This was a welcomed change, not only for myself, but my parents as well. It was hospital policy that you could only have one person in emerg. with you at a time. They had been taking turns sitting with me, while the other stayed out in the waiting room.
    
    Once I was in a slightly more comfortable bed, and the relative quiet of the Medicine Unit exhaustion overcame my restless mind, and sleep came quickly. However I didn't get much of a chance to rest before a doctor came to my room. She informed my parents and I that the blood tests had come up empty. The only thing they had found was now not only were my neutrophils low, but my rest of my counts had started to follow.     
    
    That was June 3rd, I spent the next few days confined to that room by my failing immune system. Which in itself wasn't a pleasant experience; the rooms and halls of the Medicine Unit seemed dank and gloomy (they should really work on that. Impending doom isn't the best vibe to be giving off, considering the function of the place). Although where I was didn't concern me much at the time. I was preoccupied with "Why am I here?". Being poked and prodded with all manner of needles, and swabs, peeing in jars, and other things I'd rather not mention. All the while feeling more and more ill.   
    
    Four days passed, and there was still no indication as to what was wrong with me. The doctors decided that the next step was a bone marrow biopsy. I made the mistake of looking at the apparatus they perform it with (NEVER LOOK!). I won't go into details, but if you're really that curious look it up on Google or Youtube (don't say i didn't warn you!). In  preparation for the procedure I was given a dose of morphine and local anesthetic; the morphine never really had a chance to do it's thing, and let's just say it's an experience I'd rather forget. When the resident doctor who was observing went as limp and white as a bag of milk, I decided it'd be best if I close my eyes until the doctor was done. It was yet another instance of time moving slower than you would hope. Though once the morphine started doing it's job I was just fine. Now all there was left to do was wait, wonder, and worry until the results came back. 

    Uncertainty is a something you become very familiar with when dealing with cancer; it's a constant throughout the entire journey. Leading up to diagnosis you're in the dark about what's going on with your body. Post diagnosis it seems as if uncertainty is the only certainty. Then when all is said and done you're left wondering "Am I really done with cancer?" and "Where do I go from here?". It can be a difficult reality to deal with. 

    I'm just learning how to deal with the aftermath myself (once I figure it out I'll be sure to pass the secret along). As for dealing with the chaos after diagnosis, all I can say is give yourself things to be sure of. You know that there are going to be friends and family who will be there for you, you know that your medical team will do everything they can to help you through. Find and focus on those constants, and it will help to stabilize the craziness of it all. When it comes to pre-diagnosis, just know your body, know when something doesn't feel right, make sure you receive all your checkups, and live as healthy a lifestyle as you can. Prevention and early detection are the key!!!

That's it for today, thanks for reading!

Jordan.